Parrents As Interpreters, Part 3

The Failure of Success

Don Simpson, one of the co-producers of the very popular Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun, said that he and his partner, Jerry Bruckheimer “side with the winners; we aren’t interested in the losers—they’re boring to us.” These filmmakers reflect the predominant cultural view: You are hero if you win and a bum if you lose.

When the culture worships winners, kids feel pressured to succeed. Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her extensive work among teen girls has found that no matter what the age or social status or educational ability of the child,  almost all tell her that "they feel stressed by pressures to excel.” Many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. When the bar is set so high, many girls report being “totally stressed-out,” “overwhelmed,” and “completely exhausted.” They “think that besides acing every subject, they must also star in their school plays, shine in  music, excel athletically, be popular, and win awards.” The path to success is dangerously steep for many kids.

One of the U.S.A.’s top marathoners, Ryan Hall, was almost a casualty to this pressure to excel. Hall set very high goals for his running. But his “obsession” to make the 2004 Olympic Team led to burn out. Some mornings he could barely get out of bed. Hall explained: “There wasn’t anything wrong with my body; I was just emotionally and spiritually wrecked.” When he changed his goal to being faithful to God, he found freedom and greater “success”. He told God: “Whatever you want to do, do it. If you want to take me to the Olympics, great. If You don’t, that’s great, too.” Running became a delight again because he had the “freedom to not have to achieve.” He could run for the sheer love of running.

Like Ryan Hall, our son (see previous post) wanted to be successful in basketball. But he had to learn that in God’s world, he is successful when he is faithful: It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. He was successful when he practiced hard, when he refined his God-given skills, when he didn’t grumble about his coach’s decision, when he cheered his teammates (even the one playing ahead of him!). His performance might not look significant in the team’s season ending statistics, but God keeps a different set of books!

Parents As Interpreters, Part 2

“The Success of Failure”
When our son Jered was a junior in high school he was playing behind a boy on his school team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! A college coach thought similarly). After a game in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never do any extra practicing, play just O.K. and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help with his perspective.

Initially, we reminded him that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. We also pointed out that his team had been playing weak teams and that he would have an opportunity to shine when they faced stiffer competition. We also encouraged him to think about God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for playing time?

The following week, one of the boys Jered was playing behind was injured and wouldn’t play in the next game—a game against a difficult opponent. We asked several people to pray for our son. We prayed together as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! As a result of his discouraging performance, he went to his closet and dug out some information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes’ camp about how to deal with adversity. Our son was learning how to connect with God in his pain.

As the season continued, Jered had highs (e.g., a critical role in the district final win—10 points and 0 turnovers) and lows (e.g., little playing time during state tournament games). But he—and his parents!—were learning again and again to put our hope in God, not in his circumstances: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.” (Ps.42:5) If the source of an athlete’s happiness is praise or playing time or plaques, most will experience a great deal of unhappiness.

But losing can be a powerful instrument for growth. Our son’s “failure” became the basis of his “success”—he grew in ways that would not have happened had he been more successful on the court.

Parents' Role: Parents As Interpreters, Part 1

When I was my son Andrew’s soccer coach, I played him as a midfielder. Though he scored an occasional goal, I told him his job was broader than that—he also had to think defensively. But Nathan, his older brother, was a scorer. After one game in which Nathan had scored two goals, he gave the family a very animated description of how he had scored. Near the end of his story, Andrew leaned over to me and whispered: "Dad, I'm not supposed to score goals, am I?" I whispered back: "No, Andrew, your job is to get the ball from our opponents and get it to our scorers." Andrew became content not scoring because success had been defined to match his talents and his role.

The ability to interpret life accurately is fundamental to maturity. People are not so much shaped by circumstances, as they are by their interpretation of those circumstances. When my middle son felt uneasy listening to his older brother’s exploits, I helped him interpret his experience in the light of truth. When your child encounters one of these significant events—scoring a winning goal or unfairly fouling out of a basketball game or striking out with the bases loaded—she may need you to help her interpret these highs and lows.

 

Jesus claimed that the eye is the lamp of the body.  If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. (Matthew 6:22f). One of our jobs as parents is to help our children with their sight. We can take them to the "Eye Doctor" for the corrective lenses that will enlighten their world.

Parents' Role In Children’s Sports

Introduction

The first year I was old enough to play organized baseball I tried out for a Little League team. Though I didn’t make the team, I was blessed with a splendid alternative. The city organized a league with four regional teams all coached by two brothers. We played three mornings every week and there were NO watching parents. In this low-pressure environment we boys learned how to play baseball. Many of us became the stars of our high school teams.

Fast forward to 2014. I have a friend who referees for high school summer-league basketball. Though it is supposed to be a low-key experience for the kids with minimal coaching, my friend explains that the games are witnessed by 20-30 adults (mostly parents) who are constantly shouting to the players: “Block out on the rebound!” “Watch your passes!” “Don’t let him have the baseline!” “Com’n—hustle out there!”

What has happened? Many parents today are tempted to have their “fingers in every mud pie their children make.” They do this for reasons that feel solid and unselfish, desperately wanting what’s best for their kids. But kids don’t need parents' hectic, exhausting, non-stop supervision of their lives. Parents, you are coaches, not players. Your children have to run the race.

There are two dangers for the helping parent: over-involvement or under-involvement. Though in past years I mostly encouraged parents to increase their involvement, today I encourage some parents to decrease their involvement. In the next few blogs I want to look at what are appropriate—and at times, inappropriate, ways to help your athletic kids.

Loving God, Part 6

Modeling Godly Passions

The Ark of the Covenant, the gold covered chest that housed the tablets of the Law and the presence of God, was the most holy item in Israel’s worship. Not long after the Philistines captured it, David restored it to his people. During the ark’s homecoming celebration, David danced before the Lord with all his might, ... leaping and dancing before the Lord. He was so unrestrained that his wife, Michal, was embarrassed and called him a vulgar fellow! But David was resolute: I will celebrate before the Lord. And I will become even more undignified than this.

Where do people today become so “undignified”? While attending a high school football game, one observer heard “deep-throated yells, violent exhortations, giddy screams, hoarse whoops. The people in the stands lost all sight of who they were and what they were supposed to be like, all dignity and restraint thrown aside because of these high school boys in front of them, their boys, their heroes.” Doesn’t that sound like David? They “lost all sight of who they were and what they were supposed to be like, all dignity and restraint thrown aside.”

We must think clearly and creatively about how we can model a whole-hearted love for God to our children. What do you model when you attend a worship service—are you reluctant to shout an “Amen!” or raise your hands in praise? You may decline, claiming you aren’t a demonstrative person. But didn’t I see you throw your arms in the air and hear you scream, “Touchdown!!” during last week’s NFL game?!

Though my boys saw my passion for the sportsworld, they also saw my passion for the spiritual world. During our family’s Easter celebrations we played David Meece’s resurrection song, Today Is the Day, repeatedly and loudly. That energetic song became a staple of our Easter traditions as we sang and marched around the house rejoicing in our risen Savior. May God increase our freedom to love Him with our whole selves.

 

Olympic Excellence

I had been minimally interested in the Winter Olympics until two days ago when I started watching the Ice Dancing competition during a lunch break. I became enthralled with the male/female pairs, by their nearly flawless, coordinated spins and turns and lifts. I was so enthralled that I watched it again in the evening with Cathy.

As I watched, I wondered how they had trained in order to achieve such excellence. I found one figure skating website that gave a rough outline of what it takes to achieve those skills. Throughout childhood a skater would need

  ·         a minimum of 2-3, 1 hour ice sessions per weekday.

·         longer practice sessions on the weekends.

·         no less than 2-3 lessons each week with a coach.

·         regular, off-ice training in ballet and dance.

·         working out regularly with a conditioning coach.

What does it add up to? A total dedication of their lives to skating.

Is it wise for children to give such single-minded devotion to their athletic life? Our children have important skills to acquire—they must learn how to care for others, to connect with God, to manage money, to think critically, and more. Can these athletes develop those skills if they don’t participate in a broad mix of common childhood activities: household chores, church camp, mission trips, family gatherings, youth group, service projects, hanging out with friends? Though they may become outstanding athletes, will they become outstanding individuals? I’m sure some do, but is it the best way for children to grow up to be joyful, productive, fulfilled adults? Maybe not. (But I will still enjoy watching them compete!)

 

Loving God, Part 5

My Addiction

 

Sports are a substantial part of our daily lives. Consider the statistics:

 

·         88% of kids (ages 8-17) watch televised sports

·         75% of all Americans watch sports weekly

·         70% of adults read about, discuss or participate in sports daily

 

But when a sports hobby becomes an obsession, people (like me!) become enslaved. Knowing that the best way to break an addiction is to starve it, I chose to cut myself off from excessive sports information. For many years we did not subscribe to cable T.V. or the daily newspaper. We also turned down a long-standing offer from my Dad to purchase a satellite T.V. system for our family. I made these choices because I wanted to limit the daily temptations to indulge in sports. Today, I infrequently use my computer to chase down sports statistics and rarely watch ESPN’s Sports Center because both feed my craving.

 

Televised sports try to hook us with the illusion that outcomes are critical. Thus, the Game of the Week is hyped as the Game of the Century. When Michigan State’s basketball team qualified to play in the 2009 NCAA championship game and that game would be played in economically depressed Detroit, much was written about what a great boost this was to the state. But what difference did it actually make in the lives of the Michigan residents? Were they any better off a day later? a month later? a year later? How was that game more than a temporary diversion from their struggles?

 

I bought into this myth that results matter. Therefore, the games took precedence over people and other callings. But a strange thing happened when I adopted God’s perspective: that results are relatively unimportant; that success and winning are not the same; that I won’t care who won a week from now, etc. When I engaged in this self-talk, I found my zeal subsiding. It didn’t happen all at once—I had to persist with this self-talk. But I now find that I am more interested in a close game, excellent play, and good sportsmanship than seeing my team win.

 

I have other strategies to help me control my addiction:

 

·         I often don’t tune in until a game is half over. If the game is a blowout, I don’t waste time on it.

·         I mute the sound so I can perform other tasks—sorting through a closet, paying bills, grading papers.

·         I record an event so I can watch it quickly later.

 

Finally, and most important, I am less attracted to my alternate god when I practice the priority of loving God more through study, prayer, fellowship  and worship. As the Apostle Peter wrote: Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk... now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As I tasted the sweetness of my God, sports soured in comparison. And with my addiction broken, I was in a healthier condition to help my boys love the things of God also.