Parrents As Interpreters, Part 3

The Failure of Success

Don Simpson, one of the co-producers of the very popular Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun, said that he and his partner, Jerry Bruckheimer “side with the winners; we aren’t interested in the losers—they’re boring to us.” These filmmakers reflect the predominant cultural view: You are hero if you win and a bum if you lose.

When the culture worships winners, kids feel pressured to succeed. Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her extensive work among teen girls has found that no matter what the age or social status or educational ability of the child,  almost all tell her that "they feel stressed by pressures to excel.” Many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. When the bar is set so high, many girls report being “totally stressed-out,” “overwhelmed,” and “completely exhausted.” They “think that besides acing every subject, they must also star in their school plays, shine in  music, excel athletically, be popular, and win awards.” The path to success is dangerously steep for many kids.

One of the U.S.A.’s top marathoners, Ryan Hall, was almost a casualty to this pressure to excel. Hall set very high goals for his running. But his “obsession” to make the 2004 Olympic Team led to burn out. Some mornings he could barely get out of bed. Hall explained: “There wasn’t anything wrong with my body; I was just emotionally and spiritually wrecked.” When he changed his goal to being faithful to God, he found freedom and greater “success”. He told God: “Whatever you want to do, do it. If you want to take me to the Olympics, great. If You don’t, that’s great, too.” Running became a delight again because he had the “freedom to not have to achieve.” He could run for the sheer love of running.

Like Ryan Hall, our son (see previous post) wanted to be successful in basketball. But he had to learn that in God’s world, he is successful when he is faithful: It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. He was successful when he practiced hard, when he refined his God-given skills, when he didn’t grumble about his coach’s decision, when he cheered his teammates (even the one playing ahead of him!). His performance might not look significant in the team’s season ending statistics, but God keeps a different set of books!

Parents As Interpreters, Part 2

“The Success of Failure”
When our son Jered was a junior in high school he was playing behind a boy on his school team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! A college coach thought similarly). After a game in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never do any extra practicing, play just O.K. and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help with his perspective.

Initially, we reminded him that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. We also pointed out that his team had been playing weak teams and that he would have an opportunity to shine when they faced stiffer competition. We also encouraged him to think about God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for playing time?

The following week, one of the boys Jered was playing behind was injured and wouldn’t play in the next game—a game against a difficult opponent. We asked several people to pray for our son. We prayed together as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! As a result of his discouraging performance, he went to his closet and dug out some information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes’ camp about how to deal with adversity. Our son was learning how to connect with God in his pain.

As the season continued, Jered had highs (e.g., a critical role in the district final win—10 points and 0 turnovers) and lows (e.g., little playing time during state tournament games). But he—and his parents!—were learning again and again to put our hope in God, not in his circumstances: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.” (Ps.42:5) If the source of an athlete’s happiness is praise or playing time or plaques, most will experience a great deal of unhappiness.

But losing can be a powerful instrument for growth. Our son’s “failure” became the basis of his “success”—he grew in ways that would not have happened had he been more successful on the court.