Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Coaches & Coaching, Part 2


I have had hundreds of conversations with parents about their kids’ sporting experiences, probably the majority of them about their kids’ coaches. Some have been frustrated, others furious, many confounded by actions these coaches took or did not take. What is a parent to do?

Be Realistic
One of our sons played on his school’s varsity basketball team with a boy who had little talent. The coach didn’t cut him because he knew the boy desperately wanted to make the team. Even though the boy was content to ride the bench, his parents frequently grumbled about their son’s lack of playing time.

When parents don’t accurately assess their child’s abilities, they, and often their child, become frustrated. Since it is hard for a parent to be objective, I occasionally asked sports-wise people to appraise my sons’ talents. I used that information to help my sons (and me!) develop reasonable expectations. One time we used the information to begin praying that our son would have an opportunity to play more—a prayer God eventually answered.

Be a Godly Model
When one of our sons was a senior in high school and a starter on his basketball team, his playing time was reduced for a few games because his coach believed he wasn’t hustling. This made no sense. His athletic intensity never dropped much below 10, as evidenced by six steals in his most recent game! So what was the best way to help our son? If the goal was his maturity, I couldn’t lead him where I hadn’t traveled. Though I wanted to gripe about his “brain-dead coach” (the description that kept assaulting my mind!), I chose to forgive the coach and help my son do the same.

Be a Friend
Coaching can be a lonely calling. What your child’s coach may need is a friend—someone who will encourage him, drive a van, assist at a practice, record statistics. The main communication most coaches hear is how they could do their jobs better.(How do you think your surgeon would react if you gave him advice about your upcoming surgery?!)

Parents, act like a parent and not a spoiled child. Your child needs a godly model for how to handle life's unwelcome surprises.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Coaches & Coaching, Part 1


My sophomore year of high school I tried out for the school’s  basketball team—along with 120 other boys! At the first practice we were divided into two groups based on our junior high coaches’ assessments. I was placed in the “lets-cut-them-quickly” group. By the end of the first week of practice, I was one of two boys left from that group! And by the end of the season I was playing with the best fifteen players. I have Coach Ben Newcomb to thank for my survival and elevation. He alone saw and encouraged the talent that I had. Though he yelled and threw clip boards and kicked chairs—mostly in response to my errors!—I loved him because he believed in me and pushed me to become a batter player. His coaching nurtured a passion for basketball and, more importantly, a confidence that if I worked hard I could accomplish an important goal.

But I also had negative experiences with coaches. When I was in fourth grade I tried out for a Little League team. On the day that cuts were announced, I was one of the boys cut. As I dejectedly climbed on my bike, the coach asked if I would lead calisthenics. I agreed, wondering if I was being given a second chance. When we were done, I stood around not knowing what to do next. But the coach said, “That’s all, Schock, you can leave now.” I felt humiliated in front of the other boys. Had the coach intended that? I don’t know.

Former NFL star Joe Ehrmann has written: “One of the great myths in America is that sports build character. They can and they should. . . . But sports don’t build character unless a coach possesses character and intentionally teaches it.” Your children’s coaches can have a great impact for good or for evil in your child’s development. During the 20-25 years that my boys were competing in youth sports, I was a coach and an observer of coaches. Both sides of the coaching experience offer unique opportunities to live out our faith and influence kids’ development.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Parents Must Help Their Child-athletes Connect with God

The world of sport has exploded for kids in our culture. More children are competing — up nearly 50% over 25 years ago. More girls compete—nearly a tenfold increase in high school participation between 1970-2000. More children start earlier. More kids focus on one sport year round. More is demanded of these athletes—more practices, more games, more travel. More is demanded of their families-more money, more involvement, more expectations.

The question that rises from these statistics is, How does this flood of “more” impact parents’ goal to raise children who love God with all their hearts? The answer starts with parents – we must love God ourselves before we can help connect our child-athletes to God. We can’t pass on something we don’t possess.

I am a recovering sports addict. My childhood was filled with sports, playing them, watching them, dreaming about them. Though it is not wrong to enjoy sports, my challenge has been to be more temperate about them.

Some time ago I asked my wife to record a championship football game for me because I had another commitment. Since I enjoy the unexpected in sports, I made it clear to my sons that I wanted to view the game without knowing the outcome. When I came home, my long-faced, six year-old son greeted me: “Dad, I won’t tell you the score but I don’t think you will want to watch the game.” I immediately knew that my team had lost. I responded sharply, “Andrew, you weren’t supposed to tell me!” Unfortunately, my values were showing. I was more concerned about a trivial football game than my treasured son.

When parents become obsessed with sports, as so many have, they may try to serve that passion through their children. One father explained that watching his son play football “was almost like I was competing myself again.” Ouch! Parents, please understand: your childhood is over and your child still has his to live!  Appointing your child to fulfill your dreams puts a burden on him that he is “too small to bear and too young to comprehend.”

When I have counseled over-zealous parents that it is O.K. to occasionally miss their children’s sporting events, some look at me as if I am advocating child sacrifice! But if your relationship with God is the priority of your life, won’t you need to occasionally miss a child’s ballgame to attend a retreat or a home Bible study? If you always sacrifice those activities for your child’s athletics, what are you teaching your child? You can build your life around God or your child’s sporting life—but you can’t do both.
 
We parents need to remember what is truly, eternally important. Kids today need parents who have a larger vision for them than the next championship trophy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

Monday, September 14, 2015

“Pushing Too Hard”


Mark Shriver wrote a memoir about his father, Sargent Shriver. As Mark’s dad was nearing the end of his life and was suffering from Alzheimer’s, Mark took him to a lacrosse game that his 10-year-old daughter, Molly, was playing in. Mark tells the story:

The day dad came to her lacrosse game, he sat smiling and marveling at the scene in front of him: young people in the prime of their lives excelling in the sport on a gorgeous day. That is what he would’ve thought 10 years prior, I knew, but now I assumed he just sat there smiling as the sun was warm on his face and he was with us.

I, on the other hand, was constantly yelling instructions. About halfway through the first half, dad suddenly said to me, “Hey there.”

I looked at him. He wasn’t smiling, and I became instantly alarmed that something bad was happening. He looked straight at me. “You’re yelling a lot,” he said.

“I know dad,” I said, relieved that there wasn’t a crisis. “This is a really close game. Molly has to move or else we could lose.”

A minute or two passed before he said, “Hey there. Did I yell like that at you, too?”

I looked at him. He hadn’t spoken in an accusatory tone. It was just a matter-of-fact question. I was stunned. Had he suddenly remembered that I was his son? Did he know Molly was my daughter, his granddaughter? I didn’t think he had that cognitive capacity anymore.

“Did I?” He asked again, never once raising his voice or changing its tone.

I didn’t answer. “Of course you didn’t, Dad,” I thought.

Even when I was getting crushed in high school tennis, he never said a negative word. Even when I didn’t start for the first three games of my senior year on my high school football team, he had never yelled or expressed disappointment.

“No, you didn’t,” I said to him. He smiled.

“Good,” he said and turned back to resume watching the game and smiling in the sunlight.

What had just happened? I asked myself. Was he telling me not to yell? Was that a moment of insight, of clarity, of him being my father again, or were they just random words?

As we drove home I tried to engage him, to see if he could come back one more time to be there with us, but he didn’t bite. Instead, I talked with Molly – praised her and analyzed certain plays for her. It was the best postgame trip home we had ever had.

Why are so many of us parents like Mark Shriver, relentlessly pushing our kids to achieve in the sports world? And who will correct us when we need correcting?

Many children today feel intense pressure from their parents, their teachers, their culture to perform. Many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. The bar is set way too high for many children today. Can we let them be children?

 

 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

James Harrison II

How to Encourage Children 

Two weeks ago I watched an interview with Tiger Woods at the Wyndham Championships. He had just finished his second round and was leading the tournament. The interviewer asked several technical questions about his round which Tiger answered methodically. But when the interviewer asked, “How were the crowds?”, Tiger’s smile erupted: “They were great!” Tiger has been through some rough waters in his personal and professional life, and hasn’t heard many cheers lately. The crowd’s praise temporarily eased his pain.

I had a similar experience last week when I was playing pickup basketball at the “Y”. As we were negotiating the teams, one of the better big players announced: “I want Bernie as my point guard.” That comment made me feel ridiculously good! At the age of 67 it feels good to be wanted on the court.

God designed us with a need for praise. The problem we looked at in my last post was that too much of the praise that we give is “junk” praise, praise separated from meaningful accomplishment. My basketball friend’s request to have me on his team was based on my ability to feed him the ball in a position where he can score. His praise was meaningful because I knew it had a basis in reality. In that last post, when James Harrison returned his sons’ participation trophies, he wasn’t denying their need for encouragement.

So how do we praise our kids? The Apostle Paul provides a good model. In all of the letters he wrote to churches he began with praise—even with churches that had little praiseworthy behavior. He could always find something they did well. He eventually dealt with their problems, but he didn’t start there. If you want to share a negative message about your child’s performance, it will be received better if you start with some genuine praise.

Surprisingly, Jesus seldom praised people—he saved his praise for truly remarkable deeds. When a Roman soldier demonstrated faith in Jesus’s ability to heal his servant, Jesus marveled at his faith: “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.” When we praise our kids too often, praise loses its power to encourage truly noteworthy behavior.

Furthermore, we parents should not over-praise athletic achievement. Educator and coach Bruce Svare praised his dad: “I am almost certain that my father was more proud of my academic accomplishments than he ever was of anything I did on the basketball court or football field.” Think about it: Do you show (at least) as much interest in your child’s academics as you do in her sports? Even when our sons were in college we tried to maintain a balance during our visits to campus—we not only watched their athletic contests but also attended some of their classes. 

Finally, our praise should point our children to earning God’s praise. You might say: “I am sure that God was pleased when you didn’t complain when the referee called that questionable foul on you.” Or, “God was certainly smiling when you didn’t retaliate against that girl who slammed you to the ground.”  God’s praise alone will wholly satisfy a child’s need for approval.

 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Returning Kids' Trophies?!


Pittsburgh Steelers’ linebacker, James Harrison, returned the participation trophies his six and eight-year-old sons were given, explaining: "While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy." Then he added, "I'm not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best, because sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better."

Three cheers for James Harrison! Those trophies reflect the misguided philosophy that separates praise from achievement. This ”junk” praise  may impede a child’s ability to discern how God has gifted him. Your child needs help assessing his strengths and weaknesses so he can discover God’s design for his life.

When your child moans over a sub-par performance, don’t falsely praise him by saying: “Good job!” He knows better and will resent your good-willed lie. It might be better to simply say, “That wasn’t one of your better efforts.” And you might add later: “I think you’re not improving because you seldom practice.” Or if your child has a number of bad performances, he might need to hear: “Tom, you’re a better basketball player than soccer player. Would you like to put more time into developing your basketball skills?”

Hall-of-fame football coach, Lou Holtz, believes that American Idol testifies to the failure of some parents to speak truth to their children:

The less-than-skilled singers auditioning for American Idol is as staggering as it is sad. Simon Cowell, one of the judges on the show, has gained a reputation as being the “mean old bad guy” because he tells people the truth: some of them simply can’t sing. The fact that they’ve never been told this for fear of hurting their feelings is a troubling commentary on what we value today.

But eliminating false praise does not mean that your child needs brutal honesty. If your daughter is unaggressive in a basketball game, don’t whine about her lack of intensity. Commend her for a rebound she battled for and won. If your son made an error in a baseball game, praise one of his good plays—“You did a great job gauging the wind on that pop fly in the 2nd inning. Not many fifth-graders could make that play!” Some parents withhold praise because they think it will give their child a “big head”. But most often, the braggart’s self-praise is a vain attempt to meet his need for approval. If you don’t praise him, he will praise himself.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Healthy Bodies

The Value of Team Sports

Why should children participate in sports? Because sports are one of the easiest ways to keep our God-given bodies in good shape. A healthy body makes it easier for us to serve God. And sports, especially team sports, are one of the best ways for children (and adults!) to keep fit.

As I was researching information about the US women’s national soccer team, an article by Erin Bried caught my attention. Bried asked: “What if the secret to getting in amazing shape was making exercise a team effort? Imagine taking a break from logging miles solo on the treadmill. Playing games would become your workouts, the fun your motivation, your teammates the most inspiring personal-cheering squad you could hope for.” Her point is that exercise is easier and more fun when you do it in the context of a game. Similarly, exercise science professor, Marcus Kilpatrick, has observed  that  “we tend to view sport as play and exercise as work, which is why we call one a game and the other a workout.”

Imagine this common scene in your home:

“Johnny, would you please mow the lawn this afternoon?”

“Dad, why do I always have to do it? Why don’t you ask Mary once in a while.”

“I do ask her to help. I’m asking you to help this time.”

“But dad, you always make me do more.”

Ask a child to mow the lawn or scrub the tub, and he may complain like you’ve asked him to wash all the windows on the Empire State Building! But put him on a basketball court and he has the unconscious energy to play for hours.

Being part of a team makes workouts easier to stick with and more enjoyable.  One study in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that “when paired with a more capable partner, female exercisers not only put in more effort than those working out alone, but also pushed themselves a staggering 208 percent longer.I have been playing basketball for over 50 years. When I am done running up and down the court for an hour I am thoroughly exhausted and have to peel my sweat-soaked jersey off of my upper body. Would I push myself this hard if I was working out alone?!

Children need from 30 to 60 minutes of vigorous, age-appropriate, daily exercise. Team sports are an easy way for children to meet that need.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Children's Coaches,Part 1

The Influence of a Coach

My sophomore year of high school I tried out for the school’s  basketball team—along with 120 other boys! At the first practice we were divided into two groups based on our junior high coaches’ assessments. I was placed in the “lets-cut-them-quickly” group. By the end of the first week of practice, I was one of two boys left from that group! And by the end of the season I was playing on the "A" team. I have Assistant Coach Ben Newcomb to thank for my survival and promotion. He alone saw and encouraged the talent that I had. Though he yelled and threw clip boards and kicked chairs—mostly in response to my errors!—I loved him because he believed in me and pushed me to become a better player. His coaching nurtured a passion for basketball and, more importantly, a confidence that if I worked hard I could accomplish an important goal.

But I also had negative experiences with coaches. When I was in fourth grade I tried out for a Little League team. On the day that cuts were announced, I was one of the boys cut. As I dejectedly climbed on my bike, the coach asked if I would lead calisthenics. I agreed, hoping I was being given a second chance. When we were done, I stood around not knowing what to do next. But the coach said, “That’s all, Schock, you can leave now.” I felt humiliated in front of the other boys. Had the coach intended that? I don’t know.

Former NFL star Joe Ehrmann has written: “One of the great myths is that sports build character. They can and they should. . . . But sports don’t build character unless a coach possesses character and intentionally teaches it.” Your children’s coaches can have a profound impact on your child’s development. In my next post I will look at what a parent can do to help that influence be a positive one.
 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Compassion for NBA Players?


As I have watched the NBA Finals this past week, I have been reminded that televised sports provide an excellent opportunity to talk with children about life’s challenges.

Last night the Warriors’ Andre Iguodala missed 8 consecutive free throws. (I haven’t even seen a middle school player miss 8 free throws in a row!)If your child is a big Warrior fan and frustrated by Andre’s struggles, you might ask:

·         How do you think Andre felt?

·         How do you think his teammates felt?

·         How do you think his mother felt?!

·         How would you feel if you were the one who missed all those shots while millions of people were watching you on T.V.?

These questions can help a child develop compassion as he realizes that these highly skilled athletes are people, too. People with feelings. People who fail. People who become discouraged. People who don’t want to let their teammates and fans down. Even MVP’s LeBron James and Stephen Curry have had bad games in this championship series.

And we all share their weakness. When we fail repeatedly to live up to God’s standards, we, too, can become discouraged or ashamed. Fortunately we know a God who understands our makeup:

13 As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
14 For he knows our frame;[a]
 he remembers that we are dust. (Ps. 103) 

We are all less than we would like to be—and God knows it. May we experience God’s compassion in our failures so that we can extend that compassion to our fellow, fallen human beings.

 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Selecting A Sport, Part 7

SHOULD MY CHILD JOIN A SELECT TEAM?

Our three boys played on select soccer teams. I coached our youngest son’s team for six years. Though it was a mostly positive experience for us, I’m not sure it would be in today’s select system. My primary concern is that these teams have amped up the time and commitment required. As a result, many youth sports have become serious business. If your child wants to play for one of these teams, consider:

  1. Watch Over Your Child’s Whole Development: Just because a child has talent does not mean that you are obliged to enroll her in a select program. As I stated earlier, look at all of your child’s needs and see how that particular commitment fits into her whole development.
  2. Watch Out for Specialization: If your child plays one sport nearly all year, it will greatly increase his odds of developing an overuse injury. Even professional baseball pitchers rest their arms during the winter. Furthermore, narrowly focusing on one sport may not even produce the best athletes. A Division I college soccer coach commented: “Hands down, the best kids in our program, ... have been kids who have played three sports, who have had balance, who maybe started late in soccer but they’re really enjoying it and they can develop.”
  3. Watch What Develops: Though it may be painful to extricate your child from her commitment to a team, have the courage to live out your convictions. Is the coach too harsh? the schedule too demanding? your child’s academics faltering? Your child may initially object to being withdrawn, but later, when she has her life back, she will probably thank you.
  4. Watch Your Motives: Don’t let your child become a surrogate for your dreams. This is his life, not yours!
  5. Watch Your Expectations: Parents may view the time and money they spend on their child’s sport as an investment—and investors want returns! After one top athlete in our city underperformed to dad’s expectations, he told her: “If we're going to spend all this money and travel to tournaments, you better work more on your game.” The return that many parents of select athletes are hoping for is a college scholarship. Though NCAA schools award about $1 billion for athletic scholarships they offer over $30 billion dollars for academic scholarships! These statistics led one sports leader to wisely advise: “If you want to get money from a scholarship, go home and read to your children every night!”

 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Selecting A Sport: Part 6


Think About Mental Health

A child’s mental health can be significantly impacted by sports. Here are some issues to consider when helping your young child choose a sport:
  • The League: Educator Bruce Svare wisely points out that a “youth sports program should be judged on the basis of how it treats its least talented kids, not on how it treats its most talented kids.” I would avoid a sports program that doesn’t legislate ample playing time for young kids.
  • The Coaches: In one study it was found that youth hockey and baseball coaches rated having fun considerably higher than swimming, wrestling, and gymnastics coaches. Furthermore, baseball, basketball, soccer, and hockey coaches rated winning significantly lower than wrestling coaches. These results only suggest trends. It is best to check out a coach to see what emphasis he puts on winning, having fun, and developing skills.
  • Advanced vs. Recreational: Children’s sports today are often organized into advanced and recreational leagues. The theory is that grouping athletes with similar skills will produce a more uplifting experience. But one study of 9 year-olds found that kids who participated in recreational leagues viewed themselves more positively than did kids in advanced leagues. Though the research didn’t explore why this was true, could it be that the recreational leagues emphasize winning less? Some kids don’t want to play sports seriously, preferring fewer practices and modest competition. Don’t push them to a greater commitment.
  • Stress: Moderate levels of stress usually enhance a child‘s experience—kids enjoy the excitement. But high levels can be damaging to their emotional health. As expected, individual sports create more stress than team sports. If you lose a golf match you can’t blame your teammates. If your golf ball goes out-of-bounds, guess who hit it there?! A study of girls competing in eight different sports found that gymnastics was the most stressful, followed by track and field, swimming, tennis, softball, volleyball, basketball, and field hockey. Do winning athletes handle the stress better? No. Studies have found no correlation between anxiety and a child’s ability. Better athletes may be burdened by higher expectations.
Cathy and I were pleased with our sons’ involvement in soccer, partly because of its lower stress. Standing on a soccer field, a young child can watch the clouds fly by or search for a four-leaf clover, but few (other than the child’s parents!) notice. On the other hand, a former Olympic ice skating champion explained the stress in her sport: “In four minutes of free skating you’re being judged on a whole year of practice. Not many sports put you through that, being the focal point of the entire arena. You’ve got to look like you’re enjoying yourself and accept the judges' decision and not throw a tomato at them. It’s tough.” Because of the stress of individual sports, it might be best to guide your young child toward team sports. She can begin learning the individual sports with minimal direct competition.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Selecting A Sport, Part 5


Think About Physical Health

Each year over 4 million kids visit emergency rooms as a result of sports injuries—a fourfold increase since 1995! As kids’ sports have hit “the fast lane” with longer seasons, more sports, harder training, young bodies have suffered.

Children’s hearts cause only minor concern since they can withstand nearly any test of endurance. But the overuse of joints (e.g., shoulders and knees) can cause serious damage because the bones of pre-teen kids are still growing. The problem with overuse injuries is that some are hard to detect: no blood, no bruises, no broken bones. Even x-rays or MRI’s may not reveal anything. As a result, parents have to depend on their child’s self-report. “But what if my child is faking it?” Even if he is, he may be telling you something important—for some reason he doesn’t want to compete.

In former days, children often played sports without adults present. If a child hurt his arm throwing a baseball, he probably went home and rested it. But now he has multiple coaches and his parents to please. He hears them say foolish things like: “You just need to learn how to play through the pain.”

Some sports are more likely to cause injuries. A boy who played high school football in 2006 in South Dakota was seven times more likely to receive a season-ending injury than a boy playing basketball! In a recent season, the University of Georgia lost 19 football players to season-ending injuries.

A chief concern in football is the potential for concussions. One survey found that 61% of NFL players had experienced at least one concussion and one-fourth of them had had three or more. Those who had concussions reported increased problems with memory, concentration, speech impediments, and headaches. Another study reported that Alzheimer's appeared far more often among retired NFL players than the national average—19 times the rate for men ages 30 through 49!

Fortunately, football officials are listening to these statistics. High school referees now commonly remove players who show any sign of a concussion, not just when an athlete loses consciousness. If trainers even suspect a concussion, the player may not return to the game. Unfortunately, many high schools don’t have a doctor or athletic trainer present to evaluate athletes. Some schools claim they can’t afford a trainer. But one expert believes “that means you can't afford to have a program. The presence of a certified athletic trainer makes your program safer by every measure, and if you can't afford to make the program safe, then you should be closing it up.”

Sports injuries can be avoided if parents understand how a particular sport stresses children’s bodies. For example:

  • Pre-teen runners should run no more than 3 miles a day because the growth plates at the end of bones are vulnerable to injury.
  • Soccer and basketball players may need extra support for their ankles with all their stopping, starting and cutting.
  • Baseball pitchers, especially in the pre-teen years, should have their innings strictly limited. I know a father who keeps a pitch count for his son and won't let him pitch when he reaches the limit.
  • Some medical experts believe that young female runners who over train are more vulnerable to injury than boys because their bodies mature differently.
  • Don’t let your young child specialize. She should play a variety of sports because each sport will stress different body parts.
Finally, Dr. Stuart Brown, who directs the National Institute for Play, believes that risk is an important part of children’s play: “I don’t want to foster broken bones and concussions. But an inherent part of being playful is taking risk. What you don’t want to do is have the risks be excessive.” He is concerned about parents who hover over their kids, thus limiting their freedom to explore, to risk. He observes that children’s playgrounds demonstrate this over-concern: “There are no teeter totters and most of the swings don’t really go very high, and the monkey bars can only be three feet high. You know, it’s reasonable to have safe playgrounds, but it’s also reasonable to have challenging playgrounds.” When we are overly protective of our kids, we may  be “keeping their bodies safe while we are endangering their souls.”

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Selecting A Sport, Part 4


WHICH SPORT? 

The specific choice of a sport can be difficult because kids have a rainbow of choices. Some issues to consider:

Think About a Child’s Need for Success
Before you decide whether to sign your child up for baseball or basketball, remember what is primary: young children need to succeed. Sports psychologist, William Beausay explains:

All children need a series of happy, victorious experiences. The normal defeats will come in the routine give-and-take of their own play. But they must learn to succeed before they can accept defeat. After thirteen, they then must be defeated to instigate further growth.

Success is important for a young child because he can’t reason that if he fails, he will be good at some other sport or other activity.

A child’s success will be greater in a sport that fits his talents. As a child athlete, our son Andrew had the endurance of a South Dakota winter—even his brothers were impressed with his stamina on bike rides. Soccer was a perfect fit for him.

I recently saw an e-mail address that included the words: raisingswimmers. Is someone forcing an identity on the whole family? Would a child be allowed to pursue golf or soccer? One psychologist has written that girls who are allowed to pursue “their true interests are two steps ahead of the game. Teens who believe their parents have hopes for them that are in line with their actual talents and passions—feel most equipped” for the future.

Think About Exercise
Medical experts report an alarming increase in heart problems for the young—a problem lessened by vigorous exercise. If your child is interested in a sport like bowling, you might encourage her to swim or bike also. Since the benefits of exercise are temporary, my wife and I wanted to establish the habit of exercise in our kids. Thus, our routines included physical activity—vacations included hiking and swimming; we biked to restaurants; we kicked a soccer ball or threw a Frisbee while dinner was being prepared; we walked our cocker spaniel--whose idea of fetching a stick was to run away from us and see if we could catch him!

Parents, turn in your chauffeur license and let your child bike or walk herself to school, to ball practice, to a friend’s house. (The media’s fixation on the rare child abduction has led many parents to be overly protective of their children. Your child has a 100 times greater chance of dying in an auto accident than being abducted!)

    

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Selecting A Sport, Part 3

Busy Kids

I rush in the front door from work and find my son enjoying a cookie and a glass of milk. I pull up a chair and announce: “Hey, I don’t have much time—I’ve got to leave for a church meeting in 5 minutes. But let’s talk. You tell me all about your hopes and dreams and problems and I’ll share with you some wisdom to help you grow up to be a man of integrity. But talk fast—we only have four minutes left.” Ridiculous? Obviously. Kids desperately need to bond with their parents, but it won’t happen in five minute bursts or while sitting on the sidelines of their athletic contests. It can happen, though, at mealtime or bedtime, on family vacations, while working together on a household project. When our boys were young, we tucked them in bed with the invitation to “talk-about-the-day”. Talking about the highlights of the day was an unhurried, satisfying way to end our days and helped us connect in significant ways. 

Mary, the mother of Jesus, was an ordinary young woman with an extraordinary faith. What was the source of that faith? The Bible tells us that she pondered what was happening to her and treasured all these things in her heart. But what child today has time to ponder anything?! A recent cartoon showed two young girls clutching personal planners while they waited for the  school bus. One of the girls suggested: "Okay, I’ll move ballet back an hour, reschedule gymnastics, and cancel piano ... you shift your violin lesson to Thursday and skip piano ... that gives us from 3:15-3:45 on Wednesday the 16th to play.” We laugh, but what has happened to childhood? How have even kids become such time paupers? All children need time to play, to daydream, to draw a picture, to read a book, to pray. The only way to give this to your child is to limit his activities. Otherwise he may come to look and act like a tired businessman.

Can families limit a child to one sport per athletic season? Some worry that a child’s talent may go untapped: “My son is already playing soccer but I better sign him up for golf lessons, too. Who knows, he may be the next Tiger Woods!” But would it have been a tragedy if Tiger Woods’ parents had missed his golf talent? John Rosemond commented on that possibility: “Maybe Tiger would have grown up to become a virologist, and maybe he would have discovered a cure for [a major disease].” We need parents who have a larger vision for their child than the next championship trophy.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Children's True Needs


Family vacations at Lake Okoboji were the highpoint of my childhood summers. We swam and fished; played ping pong and pinball; ate gobs of sweet corn and peaches; and even competed in a talent show! My baseball coach didn’t like it, but he understood-family vacations came first. But during the last two decades of the 20th century, family vacations declined by nearly 30%. And one of the main deterrents? Children’s sports.

When I was in high school I played on a city league baseball team and an all-star team. I played a combined total of 30-35 games each summer. But a high school player today will play two or three times that many. The benefits? Maybe kids become better ball players. But at what cost? One study compared the SAT scores of two groups of high school athletes. One group’s extracurricular activities were sports only. The other participated in a diversity of activities. The SAT scores were lower for kids involved in sports only. A child who narrowly focuses on sports may be weakened in other ways.

Our children have important skills to acquire—they must learn how to care for others, to connect with God, to manage money, to think critically. To help our kids meet these needs, we made sure they were involved in a broad mix of activities: household chores, church camp, mission trips, family gatherings, gardening (at home and with grandpa), growing and selling produce, helping neighbors, and more.

Psychologist John Rosemond has reported that when he speaks to parent groups, he asks them to raise a hand if they did chores as a child. Almost all of them raise a hand. But when he asks them to raise a hand if they require their kids to do regular chores, only a few raise a hand. Chores help train a child for the future. As an adult he will need to know how to wash clothes, clean a bathroom, fix a meal, care for a lawn, budget money, etc. When our boys complained about household chores—“Why do we have to weed the garden? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!”—we would try to calmly explain: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.” Parents, if you don’t treat your child like a privileged house guest, your future son- or daughter-in-law will shower you with praise!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Selecting A Sport


Part 1

When I was a boy, I had no opportunity to participate in organized sports until I reached the age of nine. Today, many children begin at the age of three or four—and some even younger! Is that wise? When should kids begin organized sports?  

At one exhausted point when our three boys were playing both spring and fall soccer, I estimated that their yearly commitments to games and practices totaled more than 100! And they were also playing other sports. William Doherty asks: “How did children’s sports come to consume so much of family life?”

Before you register your child for any organized sports, consider the larger picture: How will this effect the whole family? Sports choices should consider the needs of non-participating siblings. How will a brother feel if he is either dragged along or forced to stay with relatives while his sister travels 10-15 weekends a year to play soccer? No child should be required to do that year after year.

Furthermore, Christian psychologist John Rosemond believes that “no other relationship or enterprise of any sort should come before [the parents] relationship with each other.” In many homes, couples pour all of their energy into their kids, leaving each other the dregs. Is it any wonder that second highest divorce rate is found in the years immediately after children leave the nest? Cathy and I maintained a weekly date night, we occasionally vacationed without our kids, and we didn’t let their athletic schedule trump all other commitments. Did we miss some of their contests? Of course. But we were committed to putting God and each other ahead of our boys’ athletic commitments.

Monday, February 2, 2015

"Happy Days"


Over the holidays, the young men that I coached for seven years on a club soccer team—our youngest son included—organized a reunion. Cathy and I hadn’t seen most of them for the past 15 years and for more than two hours we reminisced and laughed about one of the more positive experiences in their growing up years.

Their favorite memory was a championship victory over their perennial nemesis—whom they had never defeated. They won that overtime game on a long throw-in that was headed in the goal by a boy who had just entered the game. We remembered the tears of the losers--they were inexperienced losers! One of their parents told me after the game that he thought the loss was good for that team because of their inflating ego.

But there were painful memories also. They remembered the tournament they were swindled out of a spot in a championship game by a coach who secretly lobbied tournament officials to bend the rules in his team’s favor. And one of the young men agonized over being tossed out of a game for leveling a referee he had not seen because he was chasing a high kick. The referee thought he intentionally bowled him over.

Another young man remembered joining our team after playing for a ragtag team in a nearby city. His former team seldom won and each boy on that team had a lone jersey for a uniform. He was overjoyed when he came to his first tournament with us and received two full uniforms plus warm-ups. He thought he had arrived in the big leagues!

But many of the memories had little to do with soccer and a lot to do with relationships. They remembered staying at a mountain cabin during one tournament. The cabin sat by a raging creek that one of the boys fell in and another one yanked him out after he was sucked under. Had he saved him from drowning? We will never know. And there were other less dramatic memories:

  • They remembered—and sang!—a popular song that they played again and again during pre-game warm-ups.
  • They laughed at the memory of an agitated goalkeeper for another team who was dubbed “psycho goalie”.
  • I recalled a boy throwing up in an elevator after boasting about how much pizza he could eat!
  • Several remembered one boy sliding through a muddy puddle at the end of the game, just for the fun sliding through a muddy puddle—and then being denied access to his car until he stripped down.

When sports are dominated by news about drugs, domestic violence, greed, and immorality, it is good to remember that sports can be a source of great joy for many children.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Weathering Life’s Storms


The past two blogs I have been writing about the weather—the weather in a child’s life. Weatherman Jesus has warned us that storms are on the way. These are not gentle April showers, but downpours that have the potential to capsize a life: The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.

The child I described was one who is a talented basketball player but whose coach thinks otherwise. His talent has been affirmed by many others, just not his coach. The temptation for the child and the parent (the two are usually in sync!) is to complain about the injustice, railing against the “brain-dead” coach! Jesus announced that the only way this boy won’t be blown down by this test is to hear these words of mine and put them into practice. This young man needs to hear and act on God’s truth.

But what truth does he need to incorporate into his life? In the previous post he was challenged by James to view these storms as a test from God: count it pure joy whenever you face trials! God wants to build character in this son so that he becomes mature and complete. This young man needs to know that trials are one of God’s primary ways in shaping his life for good.

But there are other Scriptures that can help this young man persevere through his trial. For an example:
  • The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong. (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Knowing and being reminded that we live in a world where injustice happens frequently, may help him hold on. He is not suffering alone.
  • Now that you have a sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. (1 Pet.1:22f) One of the challenges for this son will be to love his teammates wholeheartedly--even the ones playing ahead of him! Can he be genuinely enthused about their successes? Is it possible that these boys need affirmation more than he does?
  • Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:31) Though it may be difficult for a teenager to grasp this, he has the opportunity to begin learning that there are more important things than being on the first team of his basketball team.