Children's True Needs

Family vacations at Lake Okoboji were the highpoint of my childhood summers. We swam and fished; played ping pong and pinball; ate gobs of sweet corn and peaches; and even competed in a talent show! My baseball coach didn’t like it, but he understood-family vacations came first. But during the last two decades of the 20^th century, family vacations declined by nearly 30%. And one of the main deterrents? Children’s sports.

When I was in high school I played on a city league baseball team and an all-star team. I played a combined total of 30-35 games each summer. But a high school player today will play two or three times that many. The benefits? Maybe kids become better ball players. But at what cost? One study compared the SAT scores of two groups of high school athletes. One group’s extracurricular activities were sports only. The other participated in a diversity of activities. The SAT scores were lower for kids involved in sports only. A child who narrowly focuses on sports may be weakened in other ways.

Our children have important skills to acquire—they must learn how to care for others, to connect with God, to manage money, to think critically. To help our kids meet these needs, we made sure they were involved in a broad mix of activities: household chores, church camp, mission trips, family gatherings, gardening (at home and with grandpa), growing and selling produce, helping neighbors, and more.

Psychologist John Rosemond has reported that when he speaks to parent groups, he asks them to raise a hand if they did chores as a child. Almost all of them raise a hand. But when he asks them to raise a hand if they require their kids to do regular chores, only a few raise a hand. Chores help train a child for the future. As an adult he will need to know how to wash clothes, clean a bathroom, fix a meal, care for a lawn, budget money, etc. When our boys complained about household chores—“Why do we have to weed the garden? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!”—we would try to calmly explain: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.” Parents, if you don’t treat your child like a privileged house guest, your future son- or daughter-in-law will shower you with praise!

Selecting A Sport

Part 1

When I was a boy, I had no opportunity to participate in organized sports until I reached the age of nine. Today, many children begin at the age of three or four—and some even younger! Is that wise? When should kids begin organized sports?  

At one exhausted point when our three boys were playing both spring and fall soccer, I estimated that their yearly commitments to games and practices totaled more than 100! And they were also playing other sports. William Doherty asks: “How did children’s sports come to consume so much of family life?”

Before you register your child for any organized sports, consider the larger picture: How will this effect the whole family? Sports choices should consider the needs of non-participating siblings. How will a brother feel if he is either dragged along or forced to stay with relatives while his sister travels 10-15 weekends a year to play soccer? No child should be required to do that year after year.

Furthermore, Christian psychologist John Rosemond believes that “no other relationship or enterprise of any sort should come before [the parents] relationship with each other.” In many homes, couples pour all of their energy into their kids, leaving each other the dregs. Is it any wonder that second highest divorce rate is found in the years immediately after children leave the nest? Cathy and I maintained a weekly date night, we occasionally vacationed without our kids, and we didn’t let their athletic schedule trump all other commitments. Did we miss some of their contests? Of course. But we were committed to putting God and each other ahead of our boys’ athletic commitments.

"Happy Days"

Over the holidays, the young men that I coached for seven years on a club soccer team—our youngest son included—organized a reunion. Cathy and I hadn’t seen most of them for the past 15 years and for more than two hours we reminisced and laughed about one of the more positive experiences in their growing up years.

Their favorite memory was a championship victory over their perennial nemesis—whom they had never defeated. They won that overtime game on a long throw-in that was headed in the goal by a boy who had just entered the game. We remembered the tears of the losers--they were inexperienced losers! One of their parents told me after the game that he thought the loss was good for that team because of their inflating ego.

But there were painful memories also. They remembered the tournament they were swindled out of a spot in a championship game by a coach who secretly lobbied tournament officials to bend the rules in his team’s favor. And one of the young men agonized over being tossed out of a game for leveling a referee he had not seen because he was chasing a high kick. The referee thought he intentionally bowled him over.

Another young man remembered joining our team after playing for a ragtag team in a nearby city. His former team seldom won and each boy on that team had a lone jersey for a uniform. He was overjoyed when he came to his first tournament with us and received two full uniforms plus warm-ups. He thought he had arrived in the big leagues!

But many of the memories had little to do with soccer and a lot to do with relationships. They remembered staying at a mountain cabin during one tournament. The cabin sat by a raging creek that one of the boys fell in and another one yanked him out after he was sucked under. Had he saved him from drowning? We will never know. And there were other less dramatic memories:

• They remembered—and sang!—a popular song that they played again and again during pre-game warm-ups.
• They laughed at the memory of an agitated goalkeeper for another team who was dubbed “psycho goalie”.
• I recalled a boy throwing up in an elevator after boasting about how much pizza he could eat!
• Several remembered one boy sliding through a muddy puddle at the end of the game, just for the fun sliding through a muddy puddle—and then being denied access to his car until he stripped down.

When sports are dominated by news about drugs, domestic violence, greed, and immorality, it is good to remember that sports can be a source of great joy for many children.

Weathering Life’s Storms

The past two blogs I have been writing about the weather—the weather in a child’s life. Weatherman Jesus has warned us that storms are on the way. These are not gentle April showers, but downpours that have the potential to capsize a life: The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.

The child I described was one who is a talented basketball player but whose coach thinks otherwise. His talent has been affirmed by many others, just not his coach. The temptation for the child and the parent (the two are usually in sync!) is to complain about the injustice, railing against the “brain-dead” coach! Jesus announced that the only way this boy won’t be blown down by this test is to hear these words of mine and put them into practice. This young man needs to hear and act on God’s truth.

But what truth does he need to incorporate into his life? In the previous post he was challenged by James to view these storms as a test from God: count it pure joy whenever you face trials! God wants to build character in this son so that he becomes mature and complete. This young man needs to know that trials are one of God’s primary ways in shaping his life for good.

But there are other Scriptures that can help this young man persevere through his trial. For an example:

• The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong. (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Knowing and being reminded that we live in a world where injustice happens frequently, may help him hold on. He is not suffering alone.
• Now that you have a sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. (1 Pet.1:22f) One of the challenges for this son will be to love his teammates wholeheartedly--even the ones playing ahead of him! Can he be genuinely enthused about their successes? Is it possible that these boys need affirmation more than he does?
• Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:31) Though it may be difficult for a teenager to grasp this, he has the opportunity to begin learning that there are more important things than being on the first team of his basketball team.

God's Goal In Trials

Your son has been aiming to play for his high school’s basketball team since he was in middle school. He has labored diligently, practicing much on his own, lifting in the weight room, attending summer camps. At one of these summer camps a college coach talked to him about coming to his school and playing for him. Your son was flattered by the praise—which helped build an expectation that he would be a starter on his high school team. But today your son has just been informed by his coach that he will not be starting in the team’s first game. In fact, at best, he will be the third person off the bench. What do you say to your dejected son?

In my last post we looked at Jesus’ words about the inevitability of storms—no one lives in Eden anymore. So how can your son weather his storm? Jesus gave a rather simple formula for staying upright in the storms: Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. Hearing and acting on Scripture will prevent your son from being knocked down by this squall.

So what Words does your son need to hear and begin to practice? James is a good place to begin: Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (1:2,3) Your son needs to acknowledge that his storm is a test of his faith. His job is to hang on, being encouraged that God cares enough about him to design a special test for him. In this test, God is asking him, “Will you trust me?”

What is your son trusting God to do? It is not to make him a starter. It is not to win him a scholarship. God’s work in this trial is to make your son mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:4)  This storm is designed to add character to your son. God makes that a rock solid promise--if your son will trust him.

Warning: Severe Storms Predicted

Robert Griffin III is an unusually gifted young man. In high school he was a three sport star. His senior year he led his football team to the Texas Class 4A championship  game. In track, Griffin broke state records for the 110-meter and 300-meter hurdles. As a junior, he was rated the nation’s No. 1 high school 400-meter intermediate hurdler. At Baylor University his success continued as he won the starting position at quarterback his freshman year and after his junior year won the coveted Heisman Trophy.

Griffin’s achievements were not confined to the athletics. He was senior class president and ranked seventh academically in his class. While at Baylor he compiled a 3.67 GPA and earned his political science degree in just three years.

After graduation Griffin’s storybook life continued. He Was drafted by the Washington Redskins and signed a $21 million contract. His first year in the NFL (2012) he set a record for the highest passer rating for a rookie quarterback and led the Redskins into the playoffs for the first time since 2007.

But since that rookie year, and especially this year, Griffin has struggled. Battling injuries and poor performances, he was replaced in the starting lineup. Listen to his coaches’ comments:

·     “In the games he's played, our production has been awful.”

·     “Very raw. Very raw." (The coach’s evaluation of his progress over the past three years.)

·     “He's auditioned long enough. Clock's ticking. He's gotta play.”

·         "His biggest thing, he's been coddled for so long.”

·         "We just want him to stop talking and play. He has to outperform all the antics."

Suppose your son is a fan of RG III--what would you say to him?   Jesus informs us that all homes are battered by storms: “The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house.” (Matt.7:25) It doesn’t matter whether my house is built on rock or sand, or whether I’m rich or poor, wise or foolish, talented or untalented, Christian or non-Christian, beautiful or ugly, mature or immature, threatening storms eventually break over all of us. Thus, the question for Robert Griffin and for us is not,  Will we encounter storms? The question is, Will the storms flatten us?

The apostle Peter wrote to Christians advising them: “Do not be surprised at the painful trial your suffering as though something strange were happening to you.” (I Pet.4: 12). One of the ways the storms injure us is when they are unexpected. Painful trials should not be a surprise. Painful trials should not seem strange. Painful trials are found on everyone’s path through life.  A young athlete may be hassled by incompetent referees, unqualified coaches, sprained ankles, jealous teammates, misjudged talent, bad luck, etc.  Such squalls can be a gift to a child, teaching him how to weather more severe storms later in life:  a degenerative disease,  the divorce of parents, the loss of a loved job, the early death of a parent,  rejection by a cherished friend, an absent father, a bankrupting investment, a severely handicapped child,  etc., etc., etc. Even these severe storms can be survived when we are prepared for them. In my next blog I will address how to prepare for them.

Parents' Role: Stay Out of God's Way!

A concerned mother expressed worry that her son would not be given a fair opportunity to play on his high school basketball team. Her worry was based on her son’s belief that the coach didn’t like him. She looked perplexed when I responded: “Great! It will give your son (and you!) an opportunity to trust God.”

As parents, we never want our kids to suffer. But suffering is a pre-requisite to growth. James said it best: Count it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (1:4f). When a child encounters a trial, he may need your help. And if that trial involves a relationship with a coach, there are good and bad types of assistance:

• Do NOT intervene. Don’t go talk to the coach. Don’t try to get the coach fired! Don’t get in the way of what God wants to do in your child’s life. This is a problem designed by God for your teen.
• Do NOT complain -- especially in your child’s presence. Your complaints may block his ability to see how God is at work.
• You CAN instruct. Help him put his hope in God rather than his coach. Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God. (Psalm 42:5). Help your child see that the problem is test of his faith and offer to pray with him.
• You MUST take a long-term perspective on your child’s life. What do you want him to look like when he is 30 years old? Your highest goal for your child should not be to make the team or to win a college scholarship. Your primary goal for him should be that he becomes a mature Christian man.

This goal of maturity won’t be accomplished through one trial. Help your child be prepared for a series of trials inside and outside of his sports because we serve a God who frequently intervenes in our lives in surprising ways. 

Our son Nathan was a starter on his college soccer team. But his junior year was a frustrating and injury-plagued season. Again and again his young faith was tested--and proved. As a result, I asked God to reward him with a healthy, successful senior year. God answered my prayer with a resounding "No!" That fall he was unexpectedly cut from the team. Sometime later, after he’d gained some perspective, he wrote: “I think God’s response to this recent absence of athletics in my life is “Finally!” Ever since eighth grade God has been trying to teach me the lesson in 1 Timothy 4:8: For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. I believe that God has repeatedly put obstacles, primarily in the form of injuries and coaches, in my athletic career in order to humble me and make me realize their relative insignificance to Christ and his kingdom.” As my wife and I read the letter, we thanked God for the maturing of our son---which was much more important than playing college soccer. 

Our love for our kids often falls short. We want them to be happy. God wants them to be holy. “Thank you, Lord, for your tough love in my son’s life. Your ways are not my ways. But yours are infinitely better!”