Loving God, Part 3

In my last post I advised that your child’s athletics may interfere with your own love for God. I wrote: “When I have advised parents that it is O.K. to miss some of their child’s sporting events, some look at me as if I am advocating child abuse! But if your relationship with God is the priority of your life won’t you occasionally need to miss a child’s ballgame to attend a retreat or your small group Bible study? If you always sacrifice those activities for your child’s athletics, what are you teaching your child?” I also suggested that, at times, some parents try to relive their childhood passions through their kids. When this happens, kids bear the burden of fulfilling a parents’ childhood dreams.

But some of you may have objected the way a good friend did in a recent e-mail: When our 4 kids were growing up one of us.. usually both.. made a point to attend their activities.. whether sports, music, theater or anything else.  It was not done to relive any childhood wishes that didn't come true for us.. but because we loved them and wanted to support whatever they chose to be a part of…  So glad I did.. time flies by so quickly and then they are gone on their own. . . . Supporting our children (and now our grandchildren) is more important than almost anything (except a relationship with Jesus).

I am thankful that my friend and her husband supported their children’s activities. This is one of the practical and necessary ways that we communicate our love for our kids. And if a parent I knew was selfishly ignoring his children’s activities I would quickly chide his choices. Parents, please be involved with and support your children’s interests.

But can those interests become too important? Life is a delicate balance. I am a professor, a writer, a parent, a husband, a brother, a church member, a neighbor, a citizen, etc., etc. And though my role as a parent is more important than my role as a neighbor, could my neighbor have a need that is more important than one of my child's activities? could one of my student's needs be more pressing than my child's choir concert? could my need for rest be more important than my child's ballgame? Loving God involves depending on Him to guide my discernment when callings come into conflict.
 

Loving God, Part 2

Parental Priorities

Moses instructs us parents that loving God is our first priority: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts. But if a parent isn’t careful, his child’s athletic involvement may strangle his own love for God. When I have advised parents that it is O.K. to miss some of their child’s sporting events, some look at me as if I am advocating child abuse! But if your relationship with God is the priority of your life, won’t you occasionally need to miss a child’s ballgame to attend a retreat or your small group Bible study? If you always sacrifice those activities for your child’s athletics, what are you teaching your child? You can build your life around God or your child’s sporting life—but you can’t do both.

Sometimes a child’s athletics becomes the means a parent uses to fulfill his own passions. One father explained that watching his son play football “was almost like I was competing myself again.” Ouch! Parents, please understand: your childhood is over and your child still has his to live!  Asking your child to fulfill your dreams puts a burden on him that he is “too small to bear and too young to comprehend.”

Loving God, Part 1

One day when my boys were young I asked them to record a championship football game for me because I had another commitment. Because I enjoy the unexpected in sports, I made it clear that I wanted to view the game without knowing the final score. When I came home, my middle son, who was six at the time, solemnly declared: “Dad I’m not going to tell you the score but you probably don’t want to watch the game.” I immediately knew that my team had lost. I responded sharply, “Andrew, you weren’t supposed to tell me!” Unfortunately, my values were showing. I was more concerned about a trifling football game than my treasured son.

Parents, your primary call in life is to fervently love God: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts. When loving God becomes the priority of your life, it has a good chance of becoming the priority of your child’s life. Over the next several posts I plan to write about how we can model that love to our children.

Adrian Peterson & Fatherhood

 

Sioux Falls (my home town) splashed into the national news earlier this month when NFL star Adrian Peterson attended the funeral of his 2 year-old son. His son was killed in an apparent child abuse case. But wait a minute, why was his son in Sioux Falls? Because the boy lived with his mom who is one of 7 women reported to have birthed an Adrian-Peterson child.

Though this event has generated much dispute about Peterson’s character, that discussion should be secondary to a discussion about fatherhood in 21^st century America. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Peterson’s dead son was one of 24 million children in America---one out of three---who live apart from their biological fathers. This absence is triple the rate from 1960 and has an alarming impact on these children. Comparing these children to those having an in-home father, they are:

 

·         more likely to be poor—four times more likely!

·         more likely to die in infancy—nearly twice as likely

·         more likely to engage in delinquent behavior

·         more prone to early sexual activity

·         more often abused—often at the hands of a boyfriend!

·         more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol

·         more often obese

·         more academically challenged

·         more often neglected

In contrast, kids with an in-home dad feel more secure, are more willing to take risks, and they experience more positive emotional health.

There is nothing automatic about the benefits of an in-home dad. (And it doesn’t mean that father substitutes or separated fathers are worthless.) But being in the home lays a solid foundation to build on and become the male model and guide that children desperately need.

 

 

Building Character

This past month high school football coach, Matt Labrum, suspended his entire team because of widespread character failures. The players had been skipping class, making poor grades, disrespecting teachers, bullying other students. Labrum said, “Enough!” He demanded the uniforms of all 50 varsity players.

But Labrum gave them a path to reinstatement, which included serving the people and institutions in their lives. Labrum first asked them to spend their Saturday serving their families and be able to show pictorial proof of that service. One boy cleaned out a pigpen. Another repaired a deck. The coach’s next requirement was to visit a nursing home. One boy marveled at how happy one of the patients was to host a visitor. Then a few days later Labrum sent them to a nearby Junior High to wash windows and pull weeds.

The whole experience was transformative for some. One father said that he and his son stayed up very late talking one night about the issues surrounding this event, and the boy concluded: “You know what? We can be better. And I can be a better leader.”

Psychologist John Rosemond believes that children need self-respect more than self-esteem. Self-respect is based on the “knowledge that you are making a positive contribution.... A person with self-respect focuses primarily on his or her obligations to others.” But in many homes today kids are allowed to focus on themselves—their school work, their sports, their other extracurricular activities. They are treated like privileged house guests rather than contributing members of a household. When our boys complained about household chores—“Why do we have to weed the garden? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!”—we would try to calmly explain: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.”

When Rosemond speaks to parent groups, he asks them to raise a hand if they did chores as a child. Almost all of them raise a hand. But when he asks them to raise a hand if they require their kids to do regular chores, only a few raise a hand. Doing chores is an important character-builder for kids, helping them learn the joy of serving others.

A Full Tank

What will fill our kids up? What will bring enduring joy? Dan Gable and his family built their lives around wrestling—in both his biological and his marital family. Their dedication paid off extraordinarily. Gable’s legendary accomplishments included: 64-0 in high school, 118-1 in college, an Olympic gold medal (without surrendering a point), 15 national titles in 21 seasons as the University of Iowa coach.

Initially, Dan’s wrestling was a refuge for his family after the rape and murder of his older sister. When it looked to him like his family might crumble after her tragic death, he rallied his parents around him and his high school wrestling.

 

Wrestling continued to be his sanctuary at University of Iowa, as an athlete and later as coach. The Iowa wrestling room (which he designed) was His spiritual home. It was like a confessional, a place where pain could be traded for absolution.

But wrestling couldn’t absolve his pain. Even with all of his success, Gable lives with wounds from his sister’s murder, wounds from his one loss, wounds from a recent IOC ruling to cut wrestling from the Olympics, wounds from the losses of his wrestlers. Andy Hamilton of the Des Moines Register claimed that “Gable quit coaching, in large part, because he could no longer stomach seeing wrestlers he cared about lose.“

 
Wouldn’t it be great if your child was the MVP of his league? or your state’s high school athlete of the year? or an NCAA champion? or the best golfer in the whole world? Sure, those would be fantastic accomplishments. But they have little to do with living a joyful, filled-to-the-brim life. Gable retired from his prolific career “to save his life.” Wrestling could not be his savior.

Each of us has a God-shaped hole that only God can fill. Trying to fill that vacuum with anything else is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon one marble at a time. We need to teach our child athletes that pursuing God is the only pursuit that will fill their tanks: Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

(**The quotes above come mostly from the excellent ESPN article (http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/story/_/page/Dan-Gable/the-losses-dan-gable) by Wright Thompson.)

 

The Success of Failure

When one of our sons was a junior in high school he was playing behind a boy on his basketball team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! It was also the opinion of a local college coach). After one game in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never practice, play just O.K. and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help.

 

Initially, we reminded him that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. We also pointed out that his team had been playing weak teams and that he would have an opportunity to shine when they faced stiffer competition. Finally, we encouraged him to think about God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for his playing time?

The following week, the boy our son was playing behind was injured and wouldn’t play in the next game—a game against a difficult opponent. We asked several people to pray for our son. We prayed together as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! As a result of his discouraging performance and season, he went to his closet and dug out information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes camp about how to deal with adversity. Our son—and his parents!—were learning again and again to put our hope in God, not in his circumstances: Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him. (Ps.42:5)  

We parents need to raise our eyes to see God’s purpose in our child’s athletic struggles. If you and your child’s goal is merely playing time or plaques, you may be missing a divinely designed  lesson. God is far more concerned about your child’s developing character than his athletic performance.