Parents' Role In Children’s Sports

Introduction

The first year I was old enough to play organized baseball I tried out for a Little League team. Though I didn’t make the team, I was blessed with a splendid alternative. The city organized a league with four regional teams all coached by two brothers. We played three mornings every week and there were NO watching parents. In this low-pressure environment we boys learned how to play baseball. Many of us became the stars of our high school teams.

Fast forward to 2014. I have a friend who referees for high school summer-league basketball. Though it is supposed to be a low-key experience for the kids with minimal coaching, my friend explains that the games are witnessed by 20-30 adults (mostly parents) who are constantly shouting to the players: “Block out on the rebound!” “Watch your passes!” “Don’t let him have the baseline!” “Com’n—hustle out there!”

What has happened? Many parents today are tempted to have their “fingers in every mud pie their children make.” They do this for reasons that feel solid and unselfish, desperately wanting what’s best for their kids. But kids don’t need parents' hectic, exhausting, non-stop supervision of their lives. Parents, you are coaches, not players. Your children have to run the race.

There are two dangers for the helping parent: over-involvement or under-involvement. Though in past years I mostly encouraged parents to increase their involvement, today I encourage some parents to decrease their involvement. In the next few blogs I want to look at what are appropriate—and at times, inappropriate, ways to help your athletic kids.

Loving God, Part 6

Modeling Godly Passions

The Ark of the Covenant, the gold covered chest that housed the tablets of the Law and the presence of God, was the most holy item in Israel’s worship. Not long after the Philistines captured it, David restored it to his people. During the ark’s homecoming celebration, David danced before the Lord with all his might, ... leaping and dancing before the Lord. He was so unrestrained that his wife, Michal, was embarrassed and called him a vulgar fellow! But David was resolute: I will celebrate before the Lord. And I will become even more undignified than this.

Where do people today become so “undignified”? While attending a high school football game, one observer heard “deep-throated yells, violent exhortations, giddy screams, hoarse whoops. The people in the stands lost all sight of who they were and what they were supposed to be like, all dignity and restraint thrown aside because of these high school boys in front of them, their boys, their heroes.” Doesn’t that sound like David? They “lost all sight of who they were and what they were supposed to be like, all dignity and restraint thrown aside.”

We must think clearly and creatively about how we can model a whole-hearted love for God to our children. What do you model when you attend a worship service—are you reluctant to shout an “Amen!” or raise your hands in praise? You may decline, claiming you aren’t a demonstrative person. But didn’t I see you throw your arms in the air and hear you scream, “Touchdown!!” during last week’s NFL game?!

Though my boys saw my passion for the sportsworld, they also saw my passion for the spiritual world. During our family’s Easter celebrations we played David Meece’s resurrection song, Today Is the Day, repeatedly and loudly. That energetic song became a staple of our Easter traditions as we sang and marched around the house rejoicing in our risen Savior. May God increase our freedom to love Him with our whole selves.

 

Olympic Excellence

I had been minimally interested in the Winter Olympics until two days ago when I started watching the Ice Dancing competition during a lunch break. I became enthralled with the male/female pairs, by their nearly flawless, coordinated spins and turns and lifts. I was so enthralled that I watched it again in the evening with Cathy.

As I watched, I wondered how they had trained in order to achieve such excellence. I found one figure skating website that gave a rough outline of what it takes to achieve those skills. Throughout childhood a skater would need

  ·         a minimum of 2-3, 1 hour ice sessions per weekday.

·         longer practice sessions on the weekends.

·         no less than 2-3 lessons each week with a coach.

·         regular, off-ice training in ballet and dance.

·         working out regularly with a conditioning coach.

What does it add up to? A total dedication of their lives to skating.

Is it wise for children to give such single-minded devotion to their athletic life? Our children have important skills to acquire—they must learn how to care for others, to connect with God, to manage money, to think critically, and more. Can these athletes develop those skills if they don’t participate in a broad mix of common childhood activities: household chores, church camp, mission trips, family gatherings, youth group, service projects, hanging out with friends? Though they may become outstanding athletes, will they become outstanding individuals? I’m sure some do, but is it the best way for children to grow up to be joyful, productive, fulfilled adults? Maybe not. (But I will still enjoy watching them compete!)

 

Loving God, Part 5

My Addiction

 

Sports are a substantial part of our daily lives. Consider the statistics:

 

·         88% of kids (ages 8-17) watch televised sports

·         75% of all Americans watch sports weekly

·         70% of adults read about, discuss or participate in sports daily

 

But when a sports hobby becomes an obsession, people (like me!) become enslaved. Knowing that the best way to break an addiction is to starve it, I chose to cut myself off from excessive sports information. For many years we did not subscribe to cable T.V. or the daily newspaper. We also turned down a long-standing offer from my Dad to purchase a satellite T.V. system for our family. I made these choices because I wanted to limit the daily temptations to indulge in sports. Today, I infrequently use my computer to chase down sports statistics and rarely watch ESPN’s Sports Center because both feed my craving.

 

Televised sports try to hook us with the illusion that outcomes are critical. Thus, the Game of the Week is hyped as the Game of the Century. When Michigan State’s basketball team qualified to play in the 2009 NCAA championship game and that game would be played in economically depressed Detroit, much was written about what a great boost this was to the state. But what difference did it actually make in the lives of the Michigan residents? Were they any better off a day later? a month later? a year later? How was that game more than a temporary diversion from their struggles?

 

I bought into this myth that results matter. Therefore, the games took precedence over people and other callings. But a strange thing happened when I adopted God’s perspective: that results are relatively unimportant; that success and winning are not the same; that I won’t care who won a week from now, etc. When I engaged in this self-talk, I found my zeal subsiding. It didn’t happen all at once—I had to persist with this self-talk. But I now find that I am more interested in a close game, excellent play, and good sportsmanship than seeing my team win.

 

I have other strategies to help me control my addiction:

 

·         I often don’t tune in until a game is half over. If the game is a blowout, I don’t waste time on it.

·         I mute the sound so I can perform other tasks—sorting through a closet, paying bills, grading papers.

·         I record an event so I can watch it quickly later.

 

Finally, and most important, I am less attracted to my alternate god when I practice the priority of loving God more through study, prayer, fellowship  and worship. As the Apostle Peter wrote: Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk... now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As I tasted the sweetness of my God, sports soured in comparison. And with my addiction broken, I was in a healthier condition to help my boys love the things of God also.

Loving God, Part 4

Enjoying Sports

 

One New York Giants fan recounted the celebration that erupted when the final whistle blew and the Giants had won the 2008 Super Bowl. He was “surrounded by delirious Giants fans who were hugging and screaming and crying and acting like stranded castaways who just noticed a rescue boat.” Many Texans would understand that sort of response to winning a football game. In Texas, football is “discussed in churches, cafes, schools, Kiwanis club meetings, oil fields and out on the north forty. Football, particularly high school football, is the staff of life.” The sportsworld was my god. It was my “staff of life”, filling my days and my dreams and my desires. When I became a Christian, I was confronted with the truth that I could not serve two masters. I could worship God or my alternate god—but not both. God won’t share his throne.

This recent holiday season we had our entire family together: 2 grandparents, 6 parents, 9 grandkids. (Oh, I forgot--and 4 granddogs!) When it came time for our main meal, one of my sons and I  loaded our plates and headed to the privacy of our basement to watch the final exciting games of the NFL season. Two of those games had head-to-head matchups to decide which team made the playoffs and which went home. As we were settling in, we were interrupted by my wife: “What are you doing? You need to come join the family celebration.” I reluctantly and grumpily agreed. During the meal our 2 year-old grandson started wishing everyone a “Merry Christmas”. Then someone taught him to say “Happy New Year”. He repeatedly squealed with delight with his new words and the attention that it brought him. And think . . . if I had allowed sports to be my master, I would have missed a memorable event that will endure far longer than any Aaron Rodgers touchdown pass.

If I love God, can I still enjoy sports? Of course. The challenge for many of us, though, is to become more temperate about them. C.S. Lewis defines temperance as “going the right length and no further” with our pleasures. Though temperance has often been associated with drinking alcoholic beverages, it should be applied to any of our pleasures. If I make golf or televised sports or gardening or shopping the center of my life, I am being “just as intemperate as someone who gets drunk every evening. Of course, it does not show on the outside so easily: golf-mania does not make you fall down in the middle of the road. But God is not deceived by externals (my italics).” Lewis believes that God judges a sports obsession just as negatively as he does an alcohol obsession. In both cases I am under the control of something other than God.

Loving God, Part 3

In my last post I advised that your child’s athletics may interfere with your own love for God. I wrote: “When I have advised parents that it is O.K. to miss some of their child’s sporting events, some look at me as if I am advocating child abuse! But if your relationship with God is the priority of your life won’t you occasionally need to miss a child’s ballgame to attend a retreat or your small group Bible study? If you always sacrifice those activities for your child’s athletics, what are you teaching your child?” I also suggested that, at times, some parents try to relive their childhood passions through their kids. When this happens, kids bear the burden of fulfilling a parents’ childhood dreams.

But some of you may have objected the way a good friend did in a recent e-mail: When our 4 kids were growing up one of us.. usually both.. made a point to attend their activities.. whether sports, music, theater or anything else.  It was not done to relive any childhood wishes that didn't come true for us.. but because we loved them and wanted to support whatever they chose to be a part of…  So glad I did.. time flies by so quickly and then they are gone on their own. . . . Supporting our children (and now our grandchildren) is more important than almost anything (except a relationship with Jesus).

I am thankful that my friend and her husband supported their children’s activities. This is one of the practical and necessary ways that we communicate our love for our kids. And if a parent I knew was selfishly ignoring his children’s activities I would quickly chide his choices. Parents, please be involved with and support your children’s interests.

But can those interests become too important? Life is a delicate balance. I am a professor, a writer, a parent, a husband, a brother, a church member, a neighbor, a citizen, etc., etc. And though my role as a parent is more important than my role as a neighbor, could my neighbor have a need that is more important than one of my child's activities? could one of my student's needs be more pressing than my child's choir concert? could my need for rest be more important than my child's ballgame? Loving God involves depending on Him to guide my discernment when callings come into conflict.
 

Loving God, Part 2

Parental Priorities

Moses instructs us parents that loving God is our first priority: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts. But if a parent isn’t careful, his child’s athletic involvement may strangle his own love for God. When I have advised parents that it is O.K. to miss some of their child’s sporting events, some look at me as if I am advocating child abuse! But if your relationship with God is the priority of your life, won’t you occasionally need to miss a child’s ballgame to attend a retreat or your small group Bible study? If you always sacrifice those activities for your child’s athletics, what are you teaching your child? You can build your life around God or your child’s sporting life—but you can’t do both.

Sometimes a child’s athletics becomes the means a parent uses to fulfill his own passions. One father explained that watching his son play football “was almost like I was competing myself again.” Ouch! Parents, please understand: your childhood is over and your child still has his to live!  Asking your child to fulfill your dreams puts a burden on him that he is “too small to bear and too young to comprehend.”